


Perfect Little Freaks: 6.3

by AOrange



Series: Perfect Little Freaks [7]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, Comedy, Drama, F/F, F/M, Family, Family Drama, Family Dynamics, Friendship, Gen, M/M, Pesterlog, Romantic Comedy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-13
Updated: 2017-04-13
Packaged: 2018-10-18 08:40:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10613274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AOrange/pseuds/AOrange
Summary: It's hard being a kid and no one understands. Except it's not just the kids having problems, and everyone understands.Dave's living off campus, Rose is back on her feet, Roxy's got too much on her plate, and Dirk has no idea what's coming. Friendships change, relationships grow, and The Mayor's friendship remains a universal constant.





	

**August, 2016**

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 06:12 --

CG: LALONDE.  
TT: Vantas?  
CG: I'VE FINISHED READING YOUR SO CALLED ""NOVEL"".  
TT: I know. I've been getting emails periodically to let me know you've left another so called ""annotation"" on my document. Should I bother reading them or would you prefer to berate me in person now that I have finally succumbed to your repeated attempts to garner my attention?  
CG: I DO YOU A FAVOUR AND THIS IS WHAT I GET IN RETURN? FUCK YOU AND THE HORSE YOU DIDN'T RIDE IN ON BECAUSE YOU NEVER GOT THAT FUCKING PONY.   
TT: Unfulfilled childhood Christmas gift requests aside, please, go on. I'm ever so curious as to your thoughts on the matter.  
CG: OKAY, BUT YOU'RE NOT GOING TO LIKE WHAT I HAVE TO SAY.  
TT: Says the software engineer.  
CG: SEE THAT? IT'S ME, BACKFLIPPING INTO THE MOTHERFUCKING SUN BECAUSE YOU LALONDES ARE ALL THE SAME WITH YOUR SNARKY HORSESHIT AND ENDLESS LOOPS OF INANITY. WE BOTH KNOW I CAN PULL MY OWN WEIGHT IN THIS DISCUSSION.  
TT: Please, Karkat, just get to the fucking point.  
CG: OKAY, FINE. YOUR PROSE IS TOO FLOWERY, CALMASIS FEELS TOO TRYHARD, AND THE ENTIRE ROMANTIC SUBPLOT FALLS FLAT.  
TT: I said be honest now, don't hide your thoughts. Always beating around the bush.  
CG: THE FIRST ISSUE, OBVIOUSLY, IS THAT YOU'RE ALIENATING LITERALLY FUCKING EVERYONE WHO MIGHT WANT TO READ ABOUT OBSCURE WIZARDING FACTIONS AT WAR. DID YOU JUST THROW A GOD DAMN THESAURUS AT THE SCREEN AND HOPE IT SUCKED UP THE ALTERNATE WORDS VIA OSMOSIS? THERE ARE EXACTLY ZERO PEOPLE WHO WANT TO WADE THROUGH THAT SHIT TO GET TO THE GOOD STUFF.  
TT: So there is good stuff in there, then? According to Mr. Literary Genius, I mean.  
CG: YOUR SECOND MAJOR FUCK UP IS THAT I'M PRETTY SURE MY FAVOURITE CHAPTER HAS TO BE THE ONE WHERE CALMASIS WENT SHOPPING AT HOT TOPIC. YOU KNOW, THE ONE IN THE EVENTUAL FILM ADAPTATION OF THIS FESTERING GARBAGE DUMP OF A STORY THAT'S SET TO THE ENTIRE DISCOGRAPHY OF FALLOUT BOY?  
TT: That feels like a personal attack.  
CG: GOOD. STOP ORDERING SHIT FROM HOT TOPIC ONLINE, IT'S 2016 AND YOU'RE NOT FOURTEEN.  
TT: I can't help who I am inside, Karkat. My inner-Mall Goth has recently emerged from her well protected cocoon and she needs an outlet.  
CG: SPARE ME. LOOK, THE WORST OF IT IS THE ROMANCE SUBPLOT. IT'S TIRED, KIND OF OFFENSIVE IN PLACES, AND WHILE WE ALL KNOW YOU'RE AN OFF-THE-CHARTS LESBIAN YOU REALLY NEED A FUCKING ANATOMY LESSON WHICH I WILL NOT BE PROVIDING.  
TT: Should I ask Terezi to help fill the gaps in my knowledge of the subject?  
CG: SHE'S FUCKING BLIND.  
TT: Spoken just like the man who continually forgets that about his own girlfriend.  
CG: IT'S CALLED BEING POLITE. JUST BECAUSE SHE CAN'T SEE DOESN'T AUTOMATICALLY MEAN SHE GETS NO SAY IN THE STATUS OF THE LIGHTSWITCH.  
TT: How considerate of you. Now, I believe we were in the middle of you tearing apart my future hopes and dreams?  
CG: OUCH.  
TT: Too real?  
CG: A LITTLE.  
TT: Would you like to dial this all back a notch? I'll admit I did come on a little harsh there but it's been quite a while since we had reason for a verbal sparring match this intense.  
CG: I'M GOOD IF YOU ARE.  
TT: Of course.   
CG: OKAY, GREAT, BECAUSE I WAS THINKING ABOUT GOING FURTHER IN RELATION TO THAT LAST POINT. THE FIRST TWO WERE FILLER FOR THE LEAD UP TO MY GENUINE BELIEF THAT THE PACING FOR THAT RELATIONSHIP BLOWS AND YOUR SEX SCENES ARE SHIT-TIER BECAUSE YOU CLEARLY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE DOING.  
TT: Are you prepared to offer genuine advice to support your genuine belief?  
CG: I CAN DIRECT YOU TO SOME GOOD EXAMPLES.   
TT: I'll take it. Unwillingly, mind you. I'm not sure how I feel about receiving links courtesy of your own personal jerk off list.  
CG: THE OFFER'S THERE, TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT.  
TT: I woke up only this morning wondering if I could hate myself any more and the question has already been answered. Karkat, please, do share with me your most depraved resources.  
CG: ONLY IF YOU NEVER SAY THAT AGAIN, JESUS CHRIST. WAY TO MAKE IT WEIRD.  
TT: Yes, sharing pornographic content is what made this conversation weird.   
CG: IT'S NOT PORNOGRAPHY, IT'S EROTICA.  
TT: Whatever helps you sleep at night. That was a joke, I hope you get it.   
CG: LOOK, ALL I'M SAYING IS THAT YOU HAVEN'T DONE THE MOST BASIC OF RESEARCH. DID YOU THINK A LIFETIME OF FANFICTION AND HATE-WATCHING FIFTY SHADES WOULD BE ENOUGH TO GET YOU THROUGH? BECAUSE IT'S NOT. IT'S REALLY, REALLY FUCKING NOT.  
TT: Hm. I've only just realised we won't be able to hate-watch the next film together.  
CG: SHAME, BUT STOP CHANGING THE SUBJECT. WE ALL KNOW YOUR WRITING IS FINE WHEN YOU'RE NOT OVERCOMPENSATING, BUT WHAT I HAD TO READ THROUGH WAS OVERCOMPENSATING FOR A LOT MORE THAN WHATEVER FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY YOU'RE CURRENTLY DEALING WITH. DIAL BACK THE METAPHORS - YES, I REALISE THE IRONY IN ME TELLING YOU THAT - AND JUST WRITE THE FUCKING STORY.  
TT: I'm just skimming through your in-text comments now. You really do think I've done a terrible job with the subplot. This isn't just you going off on one of your usual rants here, is it?  
CG: IT'S NOT *BAD*, LALONDE. BUT LET'S FACE IT, NO ONE GIVES A FLYING FUCK ABOUT THE LEARNED. THEY'RE THERE TO MOVE THE STORY FORWARD THEN DIE WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT. THE DISCIPLES, HOWEVER, THEY'RE WHERE THE FOCUS SHOULD BE.  
TT: Because they fuck their way to success?  
CG: POORLY. I'VE READ BETTER CRACKFIC THAN THE SCENE WHERE CALMASIS AND WHATSHISNAME GET IT ON IN THE STABLE.  
TT: What's wrong with that scene?  
CG: STABLES SMELL LIKE LITERAL HORSESHIT.  
TT: Fair.  
CG: ALSO, THERE'S NO WAY CALMASIS WAS WALKING AWAY FROM THAT WITHOUT A COPIOUS AMOUNT OF SPLINTERS AND A TORN HAMSTRING.   
TT: Hm.  
CG: I'M GIVING YOU HOMEWORK. HAVE YOU EVER READ OUTLANDER?  
TT: I watched the first season, yes.  
CG: THAT'S NOT WHAT I ASKED.  
TT: Karkat? You've been silent for over three minutes which I'm sure would concern anyone who has ever met you.  
CG: I ORDERED YOU THE NOVELS. READ THEM BEFORE YOU START EDITING.  
TT: You realise I'm at work, right now, in a bookstore.  
CG: DON'T BE STUPID, I DIDN'T PAY FOR THEM. DAVE LEFT HIS AMAZON ACCOUNT LOGGED IN.  
TT: Of course. Well, I'm glad I asked the expert. I clearly learned nothing during the years I spent at Princeton.  
CG: HEY, YOU'RE THE ONE WHO CAME TO ME SO YOU ONLY HAVE YOURSELF TO BLAME.  
TT: It's true. I appreciate your feedback and your extensive notes. Your extensive, heavily analytical notes. I think I've just come across one involving multiple linked sources.  
CG: THOSE WILL BE THE AFOREMENTIONED ANATOMY LESSONS.   
TT: I see.  
TT: Oh my God. That was not what I was expecting.  
CG: HAVE I EVER BEEN SUBTLE ABOUT ANYTHING? BUT SERIOUSLY. I COULD PROBABLY REWRITE PAGES FIFTY-EIGHT THROUGH SIXTY-FOUR AND THEY'D BE A HELL OF A LOT MORE ACCURATE.   
TT: You think that you'd do a better job at writing my novel than me.   
CG: I DIDN'T SAY THAT. I SAID I COULD DO A BETTER JOB THAN YOU ON THAT SPECIFIC SCENE.  
TT: Do it.  
CG: IN WHAT SPARE TIME, LALONDE? TELL ME THAT. WE BOTH KNOW I COULD SHIT THAT SCENE OUT IN MY SLEEP AND HAVE IT END UP A HELL OF A LOT MORE BELIEVABLE THAN IT IS RIGHT NOW.  
TT: Do it.  
CG: WHY ARE YOU GOADING ME? STOP THAT.  
TT: Do it, Karkat. You know you want to.

\-- carcinoGenetecist [CG] is offline! --

+++

"Tell me they didn't shove a tube up my dick."

"Unlucky. They decided you'd probably wake up again in time to pee all on your own."

"Thank fuck for that."

"You say that now, but last time you woke up I had to help you with the pee jug."

"Sorry, AA."

"Well it's not like I haven't seen it before."

"No, I mean sorry for being here." 

Sollux only had a vague recollection of waking up that morning. He didn't remember much about what had happened, but he wasn't surprised to find himself in the hospital with Aradia there too, back from her fieldwork in South Dakota. He hadn't asked her if she'd come home early. 

There was no way it was Thursday already. 

"It's okay," she replied from her place lying beside him on the hospital bed. "How do you feel?"

"Tired," he said, looking down at the top of her head. He raised a hand to pat her hair, but hesitated when he finally noticed the IV filtering into the crook of his elbow. "What the fuck is this?"

"Just saline, I think. You were super dehydrated but that kind of happens when you sleep for pretty much four days straight," Aradia explained. "At least I think it was four days, you stopped texting me back on Friday and you've been in and out since you got here."

"I didn't do it on purpose," Sollux said suddenly. "You should tell them that if they know that already. It wasn't a deliberate thing, AA. I've got a lot of prescriptions, I just fucked up."

"Oh, yeah, you fucked up big time," she said as she sat up. When she turned to face him, he grinned when he saw that her nose was burnt from the hours she'd spent out in the field. "What?"

"Nothing. Keep talking." 

"So basically you took the knock-outs instead of your anti-depressants, and because you slept so much and got all dehydrated you fucked up your lithium concentrations. That's why they're filling you with saline right now, so they can take your levels in the morning and try to get them balanced again," Aradia explained. "Are you sure it was an accident?"

"Yeah."

"Okay." 

As Sollux stared up at the blank white ceiling, he realised that it seemed too quiet. Things were never that quiet.

"Where's Tuna?"

"In pediatrics with his DS and the McDonalds I bought for him on the way over," Aradia said simply. 

"Just hanging out?" 

"Mmhmm. They have a ward nurse supervising the playroom during visiting hours."

"I fucked up so bad, AA," he said. "So bad."

He watched Aradia closely as she stared back at him. Eventually she smiled, but her pause was long enough that he knew things were exactly as bad as he thought. 

"At least you didn't have to wake up in custody," she said sympathetically. "I mean, the FBI are coming to visit you later because they called me when your phone tracking showed you somewhere not home or campus, but they're not coming to arrest you."

Sollux groaned. 

"Did they say who's coming? Tell me it's not fucking Jason again, he's a dick."

"He's kind of your boss."

"So?"

"So he knows he's kind of your boss."

"Potential future boss," Sollux corrected. "He can't be my boss if I'm doomed to die before graduation."

"If you do, I'll throw your corpse the nicest party this side of the Hudson," Aradia said with a smile. "With party hats and everything."

"No corpse. I want you to incinerate me and throw handfuls of my ashes at people when they're being dicks."

"I'm pretty sure that's how you spread disease."

"Wear a mask," Sollux said. His eyes followed the thin tube from his arm back to the bag of fluid hanging beside his bed. "I have to piss."

"I don't need to stay for that," Aradia said.

"Can I get up or what?"

"The last nurse said you could if you wanted to, but they know you're under some kind of watch so security have a copy of your mugshot," she explained.

"But I can go piss on my own?"

"Sure. As long as you say goodbye first."

He knew she couldn't stay, not overnight, but part of him had been hoping she would stay a little longer. She probably had homework to do, like reports to finish from her field trip interstate, and he didn't want to get in her way. As he kicked down the well-starched sheets, Aradia jumped down from the bed so he could free his feet. Before she could move too far away, Sollux reached out a hand; his fingers hanging limply around her wrist said everything he couldn't quite verbalise in that moment. 

She was his only lifeline. 

"I'll come back tomorrow," she said, looking up from his loose hold on her arm with a sad smile. "If you can come home then, I'll be here to pick you up. If you can't, I'll bring you some food from the outside and make you eat all of it."

"Thanks, AA," Sollux said. His fingers opened to let go of her before she had to ask. 

Aradia smiled again, more cheerfully than before, but Sollux knew it was all for show. He knew she was exhausted, worried, and probably hungry herself. 

"Your phone's in the top drawer," she said, standing on her toes to kiss him. 

He kissed back, following her lead, trying his best to keep up so he didn't break the moment. It was hard to focus with the cloud fogging his mind, blocking out the information he needed, but as long as he let her lead them it would be just fine. 

When she pulled back, finally, after a dozen or more gentle kisses, Sollux leant in again to press another handful to her collarbone. That much he could manage. 

"I like you," he mumbled as he let his forehead rest on her shoulder for a moment, gathering his thoughts before he finally sat back up straight.

"I like you, too," she said in reply, with her most genuine smile yet. "I'll call you once I get Mituna to sleep."

"Okay. Tell him I'll be back tomorrow."

"I hope you are because I can't keep leaving him home alone. He'll pee in the elevator again."

"Again?"

"I'll explain on the phone, but we really need to figure out a plan B for the whole Tuna-babysitting thing," Aradia said as she backed out of the room. "And soon." 

"Hey," Sollux said, grabbing onto the IV stand for balance as Aradia disappeared through the doorway and out into the hall. "AA? What do you mean, 'again'? AA?"

+++

It wasn't often that Jade Harley found herself stumped over how to answer a question. She'd passed her GED with flying colours earlier in the year and was taking online physics classes for fun. She could pull apart and rebuild her bolt action rifle blindfolded, reconstruct it, and then hit a moving target from a hundred yards. There wasn't much she couldn't do, because if she didn't know how to do something she asked her Grandpa and if he didn't know they bought a book on subject. 

But when the hairdresser asked her the last time she'd had her hair cut, Jade had no idea how to respond. 

"Grandpa cut some superglue out of it, but that was maybe three years ago," she said. "That's why I've got this short bit here, see?" Jade explained, tugging at a segment of hair that fell to just above her waist. 

Roxy failed to hold back a gentle laugh. 

"No, sweetie, a proper cut. Like, when did you last have someone trim all the ends off?"

"Never," she shrugged. "I just leave it alone."

"Did you want me to trim it back an inch or two?"

Jade paused to think about the question.

"No, thank you," she answered. "Can you wash it though? Is that a thing I can do, just get it washed but not cut?"

"It's a thing," Roxy nodded from the chair beside her. "And you absolutely can. This is fun, see? I've never been able to convince Johnny to tag along and the last time Rosie came I had to clarify whether or not she was joking about the undercut."

"Did she do it?"

"Of course she did," Roxy said, sighing as she flipped over the page from February's copy of Vogue. "It suited her, I wonder if she's let it grow out yet or not."

"I liked it, too," Jade said. 

She moved over to a chair by the basin and sat back down, with Bec lazily opening an eye from beside Roxy's feet to ensure she was okay. Jade poked her tongue out at her dog as she pulled all her hair forward over her right shoulder, twisting it around itself so she could lie back without sitting on the ends. 

It annoyed her that she couldn't remember when she'd had her last trim. It had definitely been in Washington though, before she'd gone to live with her Grandpa. Basic math told her it was at least eight years. 

More complex math told her that she was faster at washing and braiding her own hair than a professional. 

Roxy laughed when Jade told her as much, stirring her coffee to help dissolve the sugar. 

"It's supposed to be a nice experience," she explained in hushed tones, while the hairdressers were still out of earshot.

"But I can do it faster. It's not a nice experience if I keep getting annoyed at the inefficiency!"

"It's like getting a massage. You go because it's nice, that's all."

"I don't get it," Jade said, rolling her eyes as she picked up her iced coffee. "Hey, can you help me with something?"

"Sure, what is it?" Roxy asked. 

"Nuclear decay?"

"Ooh, want to be more specific, though?"

"Isomeric transitions?"

"Jeez, okay. Why that?" 

"Because my textbook didn't have any interesting case studies in it," Jade said. She dragged an old, battered book out of her bag and let it fall open across her lap. "It's kind of outdated but most of the stuff hasn't changed," she continued.

She thrust the book over to Roxy and indicated to an equation. 

"Okay," Roxy said. She reached into her purse and took out a mechanical pencil. "The best examples I know are all things that have to do with my work and I'm like, knee-deep in nondisclosure agreements so some of the specifics are gonna be hazy," she explained as she started scribbling in the margins. 

"Cool!" 

It was exciting that Roxy had started spending more time in Washington over the last few months. She was in and out of town every few weeks, in between travelling back home to New York and across to Switzerland for meetings. Having her around so often was nice, because she was the only person Jade knew who liked talking about physics for hours on end - even Grandpa got tired of it after a few minutes. 

With one question, Jade had spawned a discussion that went on right until she was the one to interrupt it, almost an hour later, with an unexpected shout. 

"Stop!" Jade cried suddenly, right before Roxy could turn the car off the main road. 

She felt the seatbelt lock hard against her chest when Roxy slammed on the brakes. 

"What's wrong, sweetheart?" Roxy asked, panicked as she pulled the car over. "What's happened?"

"I changed my mind, I don't want to go home yet. Let's go to Target. Or Walmart. I think I should buy Bec some more food because he only has the beef kind left and he really likes the chicken one better," she said. "Or we can go to Starbucks and get more coffee."

"Jade, you're avoiding the question."

"No, I'm not! I just really want to go to Target and get new socks."

"Jade," Roxy said with a hint of desperation in her voice. "Sweetheart, you need to tell me why you called out like that, I thought I was going to hit someone." 

Jade chewed on her lip then pulled a face.

She could hear Bec whining, low and worried, in the back seat. 

"I'm moving back to Grandpa's in three weeks," she admitted. "And I don't know how to tell John."

It was over an hour before Jade gave in and let Roxy drive them home from their detour to Target. She'd known it would be hard to break the news to John, and somehow talking through all of her concerns had only made the task seem more daunting than before. The more she'd said, the more she remembered about last time; John's nightmares were never just a coincidence. 

Roxy's advice was to just get it over with, that keeping secrets never worked out in the long run when it came to family. 

Besides, she'd done way scarier things than telling the truth. 

Jade took a deep breath as she reached the top of the stairs. With Bec following on her heels, she crossed the landing and pushed open their bedroom door. 

Not that John noticed. 

His Wii U was on, the screen paused halfway through Mario Kart 8's Rainbow Road. Instead of actually playing the game, John was sitting over Vriska's lap with one hand on her shoulder for balance and the other hidden inside her unbuttoned shirt. He kissed her again, slowly, unaware that Jade was even in the room. 

When he moved the hand from Vriska's shoulder and slipped it under her shirt along with the other, Jade coughed loudly and flopped down onto John's bed.

That got his attention. 

His head snapped up and he stared at Jade from the foot of his bed, over Vriska's shoulder, his eyes unfocused without his glasses on. She giggled when he frowned at her, unsure of what to do now that he'd been caught.

"Hey, John," Vriska said, her hand reaching up to grab his chin. "What gives?"

"Jade's home," he said, his eyes drifting back to look at her instead of his cousin. 

"So?"

"So she's sitting just there and now it's kind of weird?"

"Huh?" Vriska said. 

When she tipped her head back against the mattress, Jade just waved. 

"Hi, Vriska," she said brightly. 

John awkwardly got to his feet, almost tripping on a Wii controller as he did, then held out both hands to help Vriska up from the floor. 

"You, uh. Your buttons," John said, gesturing to her open shirt.

"As if I'd forget," she said shortly, as she started to re-button her shirt from the bottom up. "I guess I'll just go home."

"Hey, do you wanna go see _Suicide Squad_ tomorrow?" John asked excitedly. He picked up his glasses from the carpet and put them back on his face, blinking a few times as his eyes adjusted to the lenses. "Oh, hi, Bec!" 

"I have to work."

"So what about tomorrow night when you finish work?"

"Yeah, okay," Vriska said as she picked up her things. "But we have to go to the movies near my place because all my shifts are six o'clock starts this week, and I don't want to drive all the way back to the city from here."

"Cool," John agreed. "Bye," he added. "Oh." 

Right before she left the room, he stopped her long enough for one last kiss. It was short, sweet, and evidently enough to keep her happy, because Jade was sure she saw Vriska smile when she finally disappeared into the hall. 

"So," Jade said slowly, dragging out the word. "On a scale from Papa speaking up at a PTA meeting to that time Dave fell over doing a kickflip, how embarrassed are _you_ right now?"

"Dave only did that last week," John pointed out, peering around the doorframe to make sure Vriska was out of earshot; when he fell onto his bed beside her, Jade felt like it was safe to assume she was gone. 

"That's why it was so embarrassing," she said. "He was streaming it, remember?"

"Oh, yeah," he said with a sigh.

"So are you gonna tell me all about what you were doing or am I gonna have to ask really specific questions so you can be weird about it like always?" Jade asked, rolling onto her back and resting her feet up on the wall. 

"I'm not being weird about it, you just didn't knock," John retorted. He shuffled across his bed to lie the same way as Jade.

"This is you being weird about it. Was that the first time you actually touched her boobs? It kind of looked like it was the first time you touched her boobs."

"Jade!"

"John! You're supposed to tell me everything!"

"Not my private and personal business!"

" _Especially_ your private and personal business!"

"That's a lie," John said flippantly. 

"So it was."

"No! It wasn't the first time, okay? But we were having a nice time today and I was about to maybe try and open her bra because it was mostly just in the way," he admitted, his cheeks flushing with embarrassment as he tried everything to avoid eye contact with his cousin. "But then you came home so I didn't get around to it."

"I think you mean I saved you from being super embarrassed," Jade said. 

"No, I'm pretty super embarrassed," John said, sighing again. 

"No, you're just normal embarrassed because you don't like talking about this stuff."

"Yeah, because it's embarrassing!"

"You can't just open a bra, John," Jade said, dragging herself to the chest of drawers at the end of his bed. 

"Why not?"

John yelped when Jade unexpectedly threw her underwear towards him. 

"Because bras are stupid, see?"

"I don't want it!"

"Do you want to know how to open it or not?" Jade asked, scooting back over the covers to sit beside him. 

"Can we not talk about this anymore?" John whined. He picked up Jade's bra with one finger and held it out until she took it back from him. 

"But if we're not talking about you, we're talking about me, and I don't want to talk about me so we have to keep talking about you."

John frowned. 

"What's up?"

"Nothing," Jade said quickly. "Okay, see it has these hooky-clippy things on the back, they kind of slide together so if you want to open it you kind of have to try moving the clips the wrong way first," she explained, still talking at a faster pace than usual as John flipped right way up to sit cross-legged with his knees touching hers. 

"Jade, now you're the one who's lying," he said. 

"I can undo mine with one hand and pull it out of my sleeve, wanna see?"

"Why are you like this?"

"Because I love you and I'll miss you when I leave next month."

There was no way to take it back once the cat was out of the bag.

Jade knew she should have waited a little longer. She'd taken John by surprise, twice, and the last thing she wanted to do was upset him, or cause him to worry. He would anyway, because he was like that, but she wanted to be gentler about telling him she was moving out again. 

"Why?"

It took a few minutes for him to ask the question. 

She didn't have an answer. At least, not one she'd rehearsed. Instead, she just reached out and hugged him around the neck, awkwardly, until John just slouched against her and slid down to lie with his head in her lap. 

"I want to do everything, John. I can't, because the world is too big and I am just one tiny person and I can't be in two places at once," she explained, brushing his bangs back from his forehead. 

"It's not because we still have to share a room, is it?"

"No, silly," she giggled. "When I go home, I have to share a trailer with Grandpa. You snore less than he does."

"You snore, too," John retorted. 

"I want to explore everything. And I want to do scientific research, and meet new people, and live like people do in all different places. I can't do that in Washington."

"We went camping."

"In the yard," she clarified. "It's kind of okay news. I'm going North, until the end of the winter, so I'll probably even be in the same timezone as you until next year."

"Yeah, but you'll be so far away," John said. "I like having you home."

"Me too. But I'll have my cell and it'll work where I'm going! And because it's not far, Grandpa said he's happy to help pay for you to come and visit me."

"For real?"

"For super real."

"Will you ever come home again though?" John asked. 

He reached up to push Jade's glasses back up onto her nose before they could slip too far. 

"I don't know."

Jade hated not knowing how to answer a question.

+++

Mid-week runs to the store weren't uncommon, but it was unusual for Jake to run out of clean and wearable socks, work shirts, and stain remover all on the same night. Unsurprised by the various and always concerning marks smeared across Jake's work shirts, Dirk was sure he had an extra bottle of stain remover in the back of the cupboard. 

It took three hours for Jake to eventually admit to having used it up already.

So instead of binging another four episodes of _Mad Men_ after dinner, Dirk wrote up a short shopping list on his phone as Jake drove them to the nearest Target; it was already after nine, there was no way he was making a second trip out just because they'd forgotten the socks. 

"You know," Jake said offhandedly, as he rummaged through the rack of plain khaki shirts, just in case he couldn't get his last good work shirt clean by morning. "I've been meaning to ask for a while now."

"Ask what?" Dirk said. He was hunched over the shopping cart, his elbows on the handrail as he skimmed through his Instagram comments.

Some of them he replied to, others he blocked; it was a game of chance more than anything, as much as he tried to read everything. There was only so much shit a guy could deal with in a day. 

"You know I was never joking about the dog, don't you?"

"I thought you were."

"No, why would I joke about that?"

"Because every time I call you at work you've got a fucking sloth on your arm or a vulture on your shoulder, or some weird fucking fish in your pockets. Aren't dogs boring after all that shit?" Dirk asked. 

"No, I'm very serious," Jake said, tossing the shirt into the cart once he found his size. "Especially since Christmas, that Bec is an absolute spitting image of my old Halley."

"So you don't want a dog, you want a Hellbeast."

"Preferably not Cerberus himself, no, but if you're going to have a dog there's absolutely no point in getting one of those useless little things that just yelp all the time," he explained. "It really was uncanny, the resemblance between them, but I suppose it's not unusual with purebreds."

"You know we live in a bungalow, don't you?" Dirk pointed out as he steered the cart back down the main aisle. "I want to pick up some soda. And we don't have space for a dog."

"The yard is fenced in, what's the problem?"

"The concept of a dog, mostly."

"So you despise dogs now, do you?"

"No, I despise having to vacuum twelve times as often and scrubbing literal shit off the floor," Dirk said, surprising himself with how snippy he sounded. "I haven't had to do that since Dave was three."

"You know you can train dogs, don't you?" Jake said with a frown. 

"Yeah, and I trained Dave not to shit on the floor, but he lives in New York and I don't want to know what he does when I'm not around," he replied. "Oh fuck, this isn't going to be one of those godawful subplots where you ask for a dog, then another dog, then eventually an actual human child, is it? Like, if it is, we're not discussing that at Target in the middle of the night."

"It's hardly the middle of the night. And I think we'd both agree that being a distant stepfather-figure to your Dave is more than enough parenting for a lifetime, he's more than I ever envisioned for myself," Jake said. "Fanta, Sunkist, or Crush?"

"Crush," Dirk replied, waving vaguely towards the box of cans. "And you're sure about that?"

"Very sure. Dave's enough."

"More like 'too much', but sure, we can go with 'enough'."

"Cleaner, soda, spare shirts. What else?"

"Socks."

"Right-o," Jake said. "I am serious, you know. A dog is just a dog, nothing more."

"Yeah, well," Dirk sighed. "The way you've never wanted to spawn? That's me and dogs."

"I think if I can learn to love our Dave, you can learn to tolerate a dog. It'll be much less needy than him."

"Look, I'd say fuck you, because that's my kid, but Jesus he's needy as _fuck_."

The inefficiency of their shopping trip would have been infuriating if they were having any other conversation. They'd looped the store already, doubled back down the same aisles from the men's clothing to the groceries then back again. As Jake crouched by the wall of socks, picking through the colours in his size, Dirk listed off all the reasons he thought that taking on a dog was a bad move. 

"I'm just saying, you know how much extra bullshit I'll have to clean?"

"I'm firmly in the camp that dogs should primarily reside outdoors," Jake pointed out. "Not always, but for the most part. It won't change anything in the house." 

"Okay, what about training? There's no way you're not taking it to dog school."

"Hm, remember how I graduated university with a doctorate? What was it in again? That's right, it was Zoology! I think I can manage a dog."

"Dog school, Jake."

"Alright then. Training school for the basics, but I'll take care of the rest."

"Deal," Dirk said, swinging the cart back out into the aisle as they finally started off towards the registers. "I want to hire someone to clean the carpet, like weekly."

"Why?"

"Because if the dog lives in the yard, then comes inside to hang out, it's bringing all that shit with it."

"That's an over exaggeration and you know it," Jake said. "A huge one." 

"Bullshit it is. Dogs are disgusting, shedding messes."

"Just like you then?"

"Nice, Jake."

"You deserved it. You're acting as if I've asked to move to a farm to raise indoor pigs."

"I'm overreacting?" Dirk asked, as he started unloading the cart onto the register. 

"Dave had to get it from somewhere," Jake said with a shrug. 

"Hey, kid, help us out here," he said. "He wants a dog, I'm not a fan. Who wins?"

He finished stacking the last of Jake's socks onto the counter and looked up, expecting at least some acknowledgement of the question. Instead of the usual attempt at polite humour cashiers tended to give him, the teenage boy just stared back, eyes slightly wide. 

Dirk sighed.

"Oh, bugger, forgot to pick up your underpants. Which kind?" Jake asked. 

"Same as usual," he replied cooly. 

"Welcome to Target," the kid finally said, his eyes darting from Dirk, to Jake, then back again. "H-how's your evening?"

"Well, my husband wants a dog that'll end up weighing more than my adult son, and the kid who works at Target and obviously knows who I am is about to handle my new underwear," Dirk said with a shrug. "But on the flip side we had steak for dinner and I think I've got this shit sorted out. Do you guys sell Roombas?"

"As in the vacuums?" 

"Yeah."

"The only stock left is online."

"Damn. Hey, you got some spare paper back there?"

"Uh, I can give you some receipt roll?"

"That'll do," Dirk said. "That and a pen."

He took the curled up paper and started scribbling out a fair set of conditions - it seemed like they'd covered all the important aspects of potential dog ownership throughout their argument. Dirk scanned the list once it was written to check that he hadn't overlooked anything; the dog's room is the yard, it goes to a proper training school, I'm buying two Roombas, and under no circumstances is there to be overlapping cutlery. 

At the bottom of the receipt paper, Dirk drew three lines.

He scowled when a pile of boxer briefs landed on the counter and knocked the pen out of his hand. 

"Thanks, Jake," he muttered, signing the top line before he slid the paper back to the end of the register. "Hey, sign this," he added. 

"What is it?" Jake asked; he signed the docket without waiting for an answer. 

"And you," Dirk said.

"What?"

The teen behind the register looked surprised when Dirk turned the paper to him next. 

"It's a contract, contracts need witnesses."

"Wait, what are you blathering about?" Jake said, pushing the cart forward to the other side of the register. "You wrote up a bloody contract?"

"You signed it."

"It's on a receipt!"

"So? Here, kid, your turn," Dirk said. 

"Okay," the teen said slowly, scribbling on the paper with a confused frown. 

"Done," Dirk said. He added an extra signature to the bottom of the paper and tore it free, sliding it back across the counter. "For the bullshit." 

"Thanks, man!" 

"Like I said," he shrugged. "For the bullshit. So where are you gonna post that? The least I can do is backup your story online. Hey, need anything from Amazon?" Dirk asked, switching his focus from the teenager to Jake mid-sentence. 

"No, but you might as well order some toilet paper while you're there."

"Like, order 'we're gonna need some eventually' toilet paper, or 'we need to replenish the apocalyptic stockpile' toilet paper?"

"The latter," Jake replied, as if it should have been obvious.

"You were an actual boy scout as a kid, weren't you? Toilet paper, two Roombas, anything else?"

"No. Wait, why are you buying Roombas on Amazon while we're at Target?" Jake asked. "You know what, never mind, let's stop all this yakking and get home so I can do the laundry."

"Okay, yeah," Dirk said, sliding his phone back into his pocket to swap it for his wallet. "Thanks again, kid, you've been awesome. Where'd you say you were gonna post about this again?"

"I didn't," the kid replied. "Probably, uh, Insta I guess." 

"Rad, I'll keep an eye out. See ya," he said, then picked up the carton of Crush in one hand and passed off the plastic carry bags to Jake for the walk back to the car. 

It was a quiet drive back in Jake's Prius.

They split up once they were home again. Dirk went up to his room, knowing it would take the rest of the evening for Jake to get his laundry done; he still wouldn't admit what exactly had caused the stain of the day, although that was probably for the best. 

Some things were better just kept secret. 

He was in the middle of editing a video when he first recognised the sound of footsteps in the front hall below. Dave had put out a fifteen minute compilation of his new cat adjusting to his apartment, interspersed with clips of himself trying to do the same; it was perfect to pull apart and use in a video of his own, a blatantly over-the-top fake exposé on Dave Strider.

Public trolling was a parental right in the modern world, he was sure of it. 

The ladder creaked under Jake's weight. 

"Are you coming to bed?"

"Give me five?" Dirk asked, as he dropped another video clip into place.

The floorboards creaked in the otherwise silent house as Jake crossed the small room. From the corner of his eye, Dirk watched him sit down on the sofa to wait those few minutes out nearby. 

He'd always loved that about Jake. There was something that felt right about sitting in silence sometimes, never having to explain himself or force a conversation when it wasn't necessary. It was comfortable, familiar in its own way, and a welcome change from their disproportionate argument in Target. 

He still needed to apologise for that. 

"Hey," Dirk said quietly, running his hands up Jake's thighs then back to his knees. 

In the five minutes it had taken him to save his file and shut down his computer, Jake had dozed off on the couch. He'd pushed his chair across the room to sit opposite him, because if he was going to apologise, he was going to do it before they went to bed. 

"What?"

"You sat down and went to sleep."

"Did not," Jake refuted, straightening out his glasses with one hand as he tried to hide a yawn with the other. 

"You did," Dirk said. "Hey, sorry for earlier. I was being an ass."

"You were just being you."

"Yeah, exactly. An ass."

"Well, well, look at you being the bigger man about it all."

"Don't you know it," he snorted. 

"You wish. Innuendo aside, would you feel any less skittish about the idea if we sat down tomorrow and talked about it properly?" Jake asked as he stifled another yawn. "I'm happy to arm you with as much information as you need to stop your mind from working overtime on this issue. You can even revisit that contract of yours."

"I'd like that, yeah," Dirk said. "I'm going to bed. Coming?"

+++

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] opened a memo! --

turntechGodhead [TG] joined memo.   
tentacleTherapist [TT] joined memo.   
grimAuxiliatrix [GA] joined memo.   
ghostyTrickster [GT] joined memo.   
gardenGnostic [GG] joined memo.   
arachnidsGrip [AG] joined memo.    
gallowsCalibrator [GC] joined memo.   
twinArmageddons [TA] joined memo.   
apocalypseArisen [AA] joined memo.

CG: WELCOME, FUCKLORDS.   
CG: I'VE GATHERED YOU ALL HERE BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE ANY OF YOU ENOUGH TO BOTHER TELLING YOU THIS INDIVIDUALLY.

turntechGodhead [TG] added timaeusTestified [TT] to the memo.  
carcinoGeneticist [CG] banned turntechGodhead [TG] and timaeusTestified [TT] from the memo.

CG: AS I WAS SAYING, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND ALL FUCKING AFTERNOON MESSAGING ALL OF YOU SO THIS WILL HAVE TO SUFFICE.  
GT: hi, karkat!  
CG: SHUT UP, JOHN.  
GT: you shut up.  
CG: YOU SURE SHOWED ME. JUST LET ME GET THIS OVER WITH *THEN* YOU CAN ALL FILL THE CHAT WITH YOUR INANITY.  
TA: triiggered  
CG: INANITY, NOT INSANITY.  
TA: triiggered by you openiing your fucking mouth.  
CG: YOU KNOW PERFECTLY WELL NO ONE CAN CONTROL WHEN I OPEN MY FUCKING MOUTH.  
AG: Terezi can, and you know it.  
CG: UGH. WHY DO I EVEN INVITE YOU TO GROUP CHATS.   
AG: 8eats me.   
CG: I'M GLAD WE'RE IN AGREEMENT. NOW. LALONDE.  
TA: you banned hiim already.  
CG: THE OTHER ONE.  
TT: I'm here. I'm waiting patiently for you to get on with your announcement, which I assume is rather important.  
AG: I 8et it's not.  
GA: He Might Surprise Us.   
GA: Might.  
GT: get on with it, doofus!  
CG: OKAY, OKAY. I'M NOT REPEATING MYSELF, SO YOU ASSHATS BETTER PAY ATTENTION.  
GG: but you always repeat yourself!!  
CG: SHUT UP. AS OF MONDAY, I'M NOT TAKING COMP SCI ANYMORE.  
TA: you what.  
AG: Dr8p out!!!!!!!!  
CG: NO, I'M NOT A FUCKING FAILED HUMAN BEING LIKE YOU, SERKET.   
CG: NO OFFENSE, LALONDE.  
TT: None taken. Naturally.  
CG: BUT YOUR SHIT TIER WRITING HAS OFFENDED ME ON SUCH A DEEP, GUT WRENCHING LEVEL THAT I'VE MOVED TO AN ENGLISH MAJOR JUST TO PROVE THAT ANY IDIOT WITH A KEYBOARD CAN DO BETTER.  
TT: For reference, he was offended by a sex scene.   
CG: IT WAS CONVOLUTED, UNCOMFORTABLE DRIVEL AND YOU KNOW IT.   
CG: ANYWAY, THAT'S ALL. I JUST WANTED EVERYONE TO KNOW I CHANGED MY MAJOR TO PROVE A POINT.  
AA: Dave says t0 tell y0u all that karkat is insisting that he's right and the scene was impractical.   
AA: He als0 says that it's n0t like karkat w0uld know.   
AA: 0h, that's funny. I just g0t it.  
AG: You know no one cares, right? Literally no one except you cares a8out this. Why are we here? Why am I here????????  
TT: Because Karkat is so insecure he felt the need to one-up me at my literal lowest.  
CG: FIRST OF ALL, FUCK YOU.  
CG: SECONDLY, YOUR LITERAL LOWEST WAS MONTHS AGO, UNLESS YOU'VE STARTED TAKING HEROIN SINCE THEN.  
TT:I haven't.  
CG: THEN STOP COMPLAINING.  
CG: BUT I'M DONE. YOU CAN ALL GO BACK TO YOUR MUNDANE LIVES NOW.   
TT: I've got another chapter done, would you like it?  
CG: GOD, YES.

+++

He clicked the Drive link in Rose's window and loaded her document so it was ready for him to annotate, but there was something else he had to do first. 

He hadn't exactly told his parents what he'd done. 

When Karkat dropped into an empty seat at the kitchen table, they both just turned to look at their youngest son, who had almost managed to enter a room unnoticed for the first time in his life. He mumbled a thank you to his mother when she offered to make chai for everyone and watched, still silent, as she filled the small pot and put it on the stove to warm. 

"So we all know I'm a huge fuck up, right? Like, this isn't the first time I've done something probably stupid and it's nowhere near the last. I mean, it's not the stupidest thing on the list of stupid things, but it's on the list and I figured I should just tell you straight up," Karkat said. 

He paused long enough to take a tentative sip of the hot, overly sweetened milk tea his mother had put on the table before she sat down beside him. His father still stood by the sink, peeling potatoes. 

"And I get that I'm a raging disappointment in every conceivable way, because of the whole Americanization thing, and that I'm never gonna live up to any of the expectations you probably had back when you decided, hey, the kids will have it better overseas so let's give them every chance to not fuck it up, but I figured out how to anyway. And sure, yeah, mostly I'm never going to be a doctor because as much as I said I was seriously thinking about it back in the eleventh grade, I don't like blood? Like, it's not the worst thing ever, but you sort of deal with it by the bucketful every day as a doctor, so fuck that," Karkat went on, talking over every attempt his parents made to interrupt his monologue.

It was rare they were home at the same time; he had to tell them while he had the chance. 

"And I'm not great at Comp Sci either. Like I can do it, sure, but my programs suck and Sollux has to fix them for me, except the ones I fuck up so bad they can't be fixed. He keeps those to fuck up machines in the campus labs because he's deprived of any real fun these days so mild destruction of property is all he's got. And then, fucking, _then_ , Rose pulls her mindfuck supreme and tells me to do something so of course, being me, I go above and fucking beyond, and instead of just rewriting her shit, I changed my major to English because she dropped out and I wanted to lord the degree over her."

"You changed your major?"

Karkat, eyebrows furrowed, looked towards his father, and nodded. 

"Oh, thank Goodness," his mother said, a hand over her heart. "I thought you'd done something disastrous." 

"You thought I got Terezi pregnant, didn't you?" Karkat asked flatly. 

"No. Maybe, I think it's too soon after you last saw her to tell but that's not the point," his mother said. "And what do you mean Sollux does your homework?"

" _That's_ not the point," he interrupted haughtily. 

"Okay, then. But are you using protection?"

" _Bye_ ," he said forcefully; the conversation about changing his college major was more than enough for one night. 

With the weight of his decision no longer weighing on his shoulders, Karkat slammed his bedroom door - mostly for effect - and sunk onto his bed. He'd opened two new tabs earlier that evening, his new class syllabus in one and Rose's new chapter in the other.

The syllabus could wait. 

It wasn't until his phone beeped much later on that he realised just how extensive his annotations were getting, but Rose needed to hear the truth. It was the best thing for her in the long run, he'd argued with himself more than once in the past, because how else was she going to fix every cliche she'd written?

He finished his comment, added the three links to certain blogs he'd never admit to previously having bookmarked, then picked up his phone. 

GC: SOS!  
GC: C4LL M3 4S SOON 4S YOU C4N!

**Author's Note:**

> you are all fantastic <3
> 
> come hang out at twoperfectlittlefreaks.tumblr.com! i love talking about this au and you sometimes get sneak peeks over there.


End file.
